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2002-11-17 闇曇りの能天気

_ しかとはよみがえってこない記憶に触れて、その質感を確かめる(言い当ててゆく)。毛並みや温かさ、突出部の規則的な紋様、裏側の亀裂の内壁にある湿り気。ある瞬間に、閉じていた眼をぱっと開く(眼を開けていいよ、という許しが与えられる)。想い出す。

この質感をほとんど失ってしまい、ぼくは想起に困難を感じるようになった。

_ 頭のなかで言葉を踊らせていても、まるでなげやりに描かれた振り付けの説明図を見るようだ。指先のはためきも、流れてさっと切れる目線の軌跡も、皮膚に密着しては汗を拾いたわんで浮き上がるコスチュームの遷移もない。手入れのわるい水槽の金魚ばりの舞踊だ。

頭のなかでがやがやとひしめき鳴り騒ぐ質感を失えば、静けさが訪れる。それは透明で広やかな静けさではなくて、うすぐろく息苦しく煙った矮小な静寂である。脳裏の空間は質感でできているからだ。

_ ぼくは、この新奇でどんよりした静寂を、興味深く眺めている。

「なんというおもしろいつまらなさであろうか」

このようなものが失われるものかと、そしてそれでも残るものはこれかと。高鳴らぬ胸でわくわくしながら。

ちいさく少なく貧しく切り詰められてゆく冒険。

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