_ 妻はほとんどこの日記を読まない。ほんのときたま、おそるおそる覗いているようだ。
「あなたの文章は目の前がきらきらしてきて読み続けられない。怖くなる」と彼女は言う。彼女は書かれない部分も知っているわけだから、独特の見え方をしているのだろうが、であるにしてもこれは最高の褒め言葉だと思うから、身近にいる大切な人に読んでもらってリアルタイムで感想をもらう、という希望が叶わなくても残念ではない。
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ぼくにも眼の前がきらきらしてきて読み続けられない本がある。アニー・ディラードだ（もちろんアニー・ディラードの水準にぼくは及ぶべくもなく、妻が「きらきらして読めない」ことと、ぼくが「きらきらして読めない」ことは別の意味だ）。邦訳がある四冊とも大好きだが、どれも通読したことがない。適当に開いて読み始めれば、次第に眼の前がきらきらしてきて、たいてい10ページか20ページで胸がいっぱいになって本を閉じる（体調によっては50ページほど読めてしまうこともある）。
二階堂奥歯もこの人が好きだった。アニー・ディラードは奥歯とぼくが共に好きだった作家のうちでも、特別な作家だった。まったくおなじ数ページを宝物のように思っていたから。
ぼくはその部分を、何度も読み返した。「もう何年も前のあるとき、ウォルター・ミリガンが好きだった九つの子供がいた」という一行に始まる、『石に話すことを教える』の158ページから160ページを。彼女もそうだったと思う。
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『八本脚の蝶』のなかで奥歯は、好きな本の一節を引いて自分の言葉を添える、という形式を好んで使った。好きな本についてはたくさん話をしたから、この本のこの一節やあの本のあの一節はどんなふうに使われるのかな、そう思いつつ楽しみにしていた。
そして奥歯の状態が予断を許さない方向へ傾いていったとき、日記の引用は、ぼくにとって砂時計になった。ぼくが知る限りの、奥歯にとって大切な一節一節のうち、引用されずにいるものがまだまだあって、それは奥歯の中で大切に温められているのだろうと思われた。彼女はそれらについて書かずにいられないはずで、砂時計の砂は日々残り少なくなっていくにしても、しばしの猶予はあるとぼくは思っていたのだ。
甘かった。
.
そして2003年3月下旬、『信ぜざる者コブナント』を口火として怒濤のような引用が始まる。彼女の言葉は添えられず、ひたすら引用が続く。それは重大な変化だった。
奥歯はまるで、自分の余力を推し量って秒読みを開始したかのようだった。もう言葉を添える余裕はないと思い決めて、大切に温めていた言葉を湯水のように吐き出し始めたのだ。ぼくが頼りにしていた奥歯の心を刻む砂時計は、いきなり加速した。鳥肌が立つほどの速さだった。
離れ去る彼女に追い縋るために、ぼくも加速した。
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およそひと月を経て、4月23日付で『最後のユニコーン』からの引用が続いたとき、それは砂時計のなかに最後の数粒しか残っていないしるしだった。
最後になるかもしれないメールをぼくは、送り続けた。
.
4月26日が訪れ、深夜、13階の通路から電話がかかり、しばし言葉が交わされ、日付が27日に変わる前に、それは向こうから切れた。
ぼくは彼女の近くにいるはずのご家族に連絡し、奥歯のことを思い遣る人たちが見ているはずの掲示板に「祈ることができる人は今祈ってください」と書き込み、そして祈りというものが届くこともあることを祈った。
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結局奥歯は、『石に話すことを教える』のあのページを、『八本脚の蝶』のなかに書き留めなかった。
理由はわからない、と言えば嘘になる。わかる、と言っても嘘になる。
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