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2007-12-09 ぬりかえられる・1

桜沢エリカが育児エッセイマンガの中で、二番目の赤ん坊がよく笑うのを見ながら、一人目はこんなに笑ったっけ?と思うが思い出せず、そのときには忘れないでいようと強く思っていても、過ぎてしまうと忘れてしまい現在のありさまがすべてになっている、というようなことを書いていた。
まるで同じだ。子どもについての記憶の大半は上書き更新のように消えてしまう感じなのだ。
はやくも、今のように手足が伸びていないころの長男の様子でさえ、思い出せないくらい。
だから少し前に、ホームビデオカメラで録画しておいた0歳のころの長男を見たときには、衝撃を受けた。三頭身!仕草や発する声が今の次男と同じ!
たしかにそれは間違いなく長男なんだけど、でも別の生き物なんじゃないかといいたくなる。アナログに成長したとは思えない。どこかで変身しているのではないか。だとしたらそのとき自分は何をしていたんだろう。

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