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2006-10-29 かなしそうにみえる眼

前回の日記に書いた頃は辛い時期であったのはたしかなのだけれど、かといって、あの頃のまだ目を合わせることができないような息子のことはあまり思い出したくない、ということはまったくない。はんたいに、そういう時期がすぎ、目が合うと笑うようになりふっくらとして色白になってきて、典型的な赤ん坊になってしばらくすると、「うまれてから2ヶ月くらいまでの赤ん坊をまた見たい、また抱っこしたい」という、それまでは知らなかった気持ちができあがっていた。
そのれまではとっつきにくかったのがだんだんかわいらしく感じるようになる、という父親もけっこういるようだけれどそれは無理もないとは思う。(うちの場合はもともとこども一般が好きではなく、ひいては人間一般よりも動物が好きなので、「人間らしい」と言われる場合の「人間」未満のような赤ん坊時代の息子も好きだったようだった。) わたしもちろん、コミュニケーションらしいものができるようになれば嬉しくかわいいと感じたが、それ以前のとくに、生まれて間もない赤ん坊の焦点の合わない虚ろな目も大好きだった。
けれどそこまで小さい赤ん坊はあまり屋外では見かけないし、たまにいてもベビーカーの中で布にうずくまって眠っている。だから、用もないのに見舞いのふりをして産婦人科へ行きたいと思ったりもした。産婦人科の病棟にはそんな赤ん坊だらけだ。
その目は悲しげにみえなくもなかったが、「こんなところに放り投げられてわけがわからない」と嘆いているように見えた、といえば嘘になる。そういった思いを抱く主体には見えなかった。それゆえに魅力的なのかもしれない。それからあの小ささともろさ。
とにかく小さい。片腕にすっぽりおさまる。退院後はじめて、家で用意していた子ども用布団の上においてみると、おもしろいくらい布団が大きすぎた。そこにいた夫と母ともども、あらためて小ささに気づき笑ってしまった。

ただ、といって話が前回に戻るが、その笑った場面を思い出しても、陽気な雰囲気ではなかった。心細さがあり、泣き声も含めてやたら静かで照明がわずかに弱いような室内の印象がある。じっさいには毎日ドタバタしていた暑い夏だったのに、今思い出すと「あのころわたしは笑うことがあったのか?」という疑いさえもってしまう。こうあらためて考えてみると、息子が内気なのはとうぜんだと思う。
嫌いなわけではなかった。「かわいい」と感じるのとは別の、もっと差し迫った気持ちでとりつかれてた。

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