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2006-10-14 赤ん坊

息子が赤ん坊のころの昼も夜もなく泣く時期からしばらくしてからは、知人や有名人の赤ん坊について、この子は泣く子か泣かない子か、とどちらかに分けたくなるようになってしまった。
うちは「泣く子」だった。お乳は今あげたばかり、オムツは換えたばかり、そのほか室温も何も、不快にさせる要因は見当たらないのに、泣いている。「鳴いている」といった方がしっくりくるくらいの泣きっぷりで。
困り果てた。辛かった。自分がおおらかに構えられないからますます泣くのだろうとわかっていてもどうしようもない。周囲の人はみな、「赤ん坊は泣くのが仕事なのだから気にすることないよ」というようなアドバイスをくれるばかりだった。生来気にしすぎる性格だということは他人も知っていることで、そういわれると何も言えなかった。
泣かれてたいへんなこと自体ではなく、楽しさ100バーセントで育児をできない自分の暗い性格が悪なのだ、ということに、落ち込んでいた。
わたしは鈍感で頑丈で何より環境に恵まれているので人間関係とか空しさとか届かなさとかで落ち込んでも底は知れている。それがあの時期、自分の精神状態に対する手の打ちようのなさかげんを自覚して、これがもっとひどいのが鬱なのかーと思ったりした。やはり気分の問題とは違うのだとわかった。
泣きまくられる時期が終わったころに、「泣く子」育て経験者に会って、あれはつらいよねえ、と言われてすごく救われた気になった。それまではたまたま、周りの母親仲間や読んでいた育児エッセイの類の書き手が「泣かない子」の母親だったので運が悪かったのだった。今おもいだしても、気にしてとうぜん、落ち込んでとうぜん、と思う。
三時間ごとにきっかり泣いて乳をあげれば泣き止むという赤ちゃんの母親をうらやんでいたが、その子はアレルギーがあって卵も牛乳もあげられないとあとで知り、その面での苦労は無い息子はありがたいと思ったものだった。泣く子泣かない子も二種類しかないわけではないのはいうまでもない。とにかく赤ん坊はひとりひとり違って、それは子ども以降の「人それぞれ」とはまた種類のことなる違い方だ。こんなに違うのはまだ言葉を知らないからじゃないかなんてあのころは考えたりもしていた。

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