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2011-10-09

自分の知らないところで、自分の中でいろいろなことがつながっていてらしく、その引き金をひいたように、精神病院に長期入院と知ってかなりショックを受け、自分でも戸惑うくらい悲しい。
彼はわたしにとって、とても賢くて多くのことを知っていて、精神を病むこともかつて身にしみて知っていて、そのうえで病まずにいる、つまり鈍感だから死のうと思わないのではなく、鈍感の対極にありつつ自らの命を断つことを選ぼうとしない、そんな頼もしさを体現している人だったのだ。世界の酷さ虚しさくだらなさを知りながら、たんたんと、さめた眼をして、生きているような。
そんな人だからこそ、精神を病むというのはつらい。

みんな元気で前向きに生きている世界をいつもどこかで願っているのだな、と自覚する。でもそんなの傲慢で鈍感な者の願いなんだな、と思う。

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