育児のことで考え込んだりするが、今のところ長男についてばかりである。
とうぜんといえばとうぜんのことだが、一歳の次男はかわいいかわいいばっかりだ。外にでれば一人でどんどん歩いて行ってしまい追いかけるのに大変で、家の中でもおとなしいわけがなくしょっちゅうデンジャラスなのだが、大変さはその場きりで悩むことはないばかりか、その活発さが嬉しくないわけがない。
長男はおとなしく、他の子の母親にときどき、手がかからなくていいね、というよなうことを言われる。以前はその度に、外ではおとなしいけれど意地っ張りだし気難しいしデリケートすぎしでぜんぜん楽じゃないんだよーと言うのがお決まりで習慣のようにそう答えていたけれど、6歳にもなると滅多なことでは泣かないし聞き分けもよくなってるしで、あれ、この子はいわれるとおりの「手がかからない子」なのかも、と思ったりもする。
今の次男より、同じくらいの頃の長男の世話の方がずっと大変だったと思っているのだが、そう言うと夫は意外そうだった。たしかに、長男より次男の方が、人見知りがなく寝起きがいいこと以外、食欲にムラがあったり風邪を引きやすかったり、何より動きが激しく欲求も強くて、手がかかっているのかもしれないという気がしてくる。
それでもやはり次男に対する方が気持ちに余裕があり悩むことがないのは、何に負担を感じるかにもよるし、わたし自身の変化による部分も大きい。手間や時間をとられても以前よりも平気になっているということだ。
わたしには長男に負い目がある。それは一言でいうと、産んでからしばらくたっても、自分が親であるという自覚をあえてもたないようにしていたところがあったということだ。
親らしくない親がいいのだ、出産なんてたいしたことではない、育児も構えてするもんじゃない、と思うようにしていたところがあったのだ。それが子どもにとってもいいことだとさえ思っていた。
そのような思いがじっさいの育児にも形になってあらわれていた。たとえば、出産の前後でちょっとした資格や検定の試験の勉強をしていて、産んでからは自分の時間をとれないことによくイライラしていた。一歳と半年で保育園に預けることにもあまり抵抗がなかった。
自分のそのような部分が長男に影響を与えたのだろうと思い、それでなおさら、いろいろと考えこんでしまうのだった。手をかけすぎ、心配しすぎなんじゃないか、ということも含めて。
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