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2007-07-28 覚え書き

産休に入ってから感じたこと。

その1
産休に入る前には、不合理なことばかりの仕事が嫌で嫌でしかたがなかったけれど、ときどき、休みにはいってしばらくしたらこんな職場でも戻りたいと思うかもしれない 、と冷静ぶって思ったりもした。三年続いたんだし、欲を言えば切りがないし、同僚には恵まれている方だし、家事と育児の毎日には飽きるだろうし。
けれどそんなことはなかった。むしろ、離れてみて、やはりあそこは異常だったと思う。現実の会社なんてどこもあんなもんなのだろうけど、ここは自分の基準で、「異常」といいたい。

その2
以前は家事という仕事の負の面ばかりを感じていた。それは、マイナスをゼロに戻す作業ばかりでプラスの(有形の)成果がほとんど無いということ、しかも毎日延々とそのゼロとマイナスの繰り返しだということ。おおざっぱにいえばこれにつきる。
それがさいきん、いい面もみえてきた。
それは、ほぼ自分ひとりですべてを決めて、出来不出来がすべて自分次第というところ。目標に届かなくても納得できるし、届いたらそれは丸々自分の業績ということで満足感が得やすい。
また、家事にはルーティンワーク以外にも小一時間もあれば済ませられる作業がけっこうあって、ここからもちょこちょこと達成感を得られ、やはり脳にいい。
なんとなくダラダラと些細な雑用をしているだけで、気がついたらかんたんに2,3時間過ぎる。そういうときはやはり虚しく、ちっともすがすがしくない疲労が残る。こうならないよう、できるだけ雑用にも名前を付けリストにして片付けたことが実感できるように、「やった感」を得られるようにする。できるだけ。

よくいわれることだけれど家事という仕事はかなり、手の入れよう抜きように幅がある。外で働いていた頃にはできないことがたくさんあったけれど、それでもなんとか暮らしていける水準はたもてていた。とはいえ、家の中のあちこちに、片付けたいことが手つかずのままあるのは小さなストレッサーであった。
とこんなことを書いていると、専業主婦もいいなあ・・・という考えが帰結しそうなのだけれど、まあそうでもない。家事にあてる時間が長くなって、自分がマメではないのだと思わされることがしょっちゅうである。決めつけてはいけないけどさ・・・
主婦向け雑誌を見たり家事が好きな人と話をしたりすると、感心する。異星人をみている気持ちになる。あの情熱はすごい。

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